New Year's Eve

So it's officially New Year's Eve...

And later I'll post my resolutions... after I pretend to go to sleep.

I really need to go to the doctor and have my head looked at again.

Backstory quickly: I'm Cyclothymic. It's a less severe form of Bipolar... more like a not so severe Bipolar 1- the manic dominate one not the depressive dominate one.

And guess what? I'm in a manic phase.

Full swing.

Venting... as only Maddy can do ;)

So I'm in a total conundrum.

I feel like I have no idea what the fuck is going on most of the time. It's like, when you think your life is one way and then it totally kicks you in the ass you end up not really knowing which way is up.

I'm torn in my emotions. It's like, one minute I just want to kick DH in the skull with heels on... then the next I just want to cuddle up next to him.

This FUCKING SUCKS.

We have terrible conversations which are more like petty arguments of nothing but screaming and yelling via telephone and then when we see eachother everything clicks into place. Yet, it's hard to not over think things when things are said out of spite to stab the other in the heart over and over again. Most of the stabbing is done by said husband... and I don't know if I'm just a tough little poppet or a total and complete idiot.

For example:
Last night DH called me the "C-you-next-Tuesday!" word... and then after sleeping I got in my vehicle and drove in the snow 45 minutes to see him... and it was an amazing 5 hours. There was closeness and positive emotion between us... yet then I leave and when we talk again there's the distance which is so deadly.

I find myself wanting to stand up for myself, yet then every single time the phone rings my whole being screams his name in my head.

:::sigh:::

That S.O.B. is my whole heart. He knows this too. I feel like a puppet on a string... maybe that's why my latest nickname is Poppet... just not from him. Then again, I also know it has the British definition behind it which is what those who call me that are going by...

The whole 'doll-like' thing.

Although, I feel better about things at 1.59 am right now then I did exactly 24 hours ago... but still.




I know that all month long I just wished to see him on Christmas. It didn't go as I had hoped, and he didn't know about it since I was just wishing on stars... but I did see him for an hour...

But I really want to spend New Year's with him. I keep hoping and wishing but I know it isn't going to happen. I think he'd rather be alone than with me... and even though I'm trying to just go with the flow and not over think things I just cannot help but over think them.

I don't even know if this makes any sense. I'm sort of just thinking tons of thoughts and trying to just get them out. It probably isn't even very flow-y let alone coherent.









Shit.

Just SHIT.

Didja miss me?! :)

Oh my gawsh it's been forever!

So much has changed in my world... but we'll start with my head. My head is fine now after the accident with the whole brick sidewalk.

DH and I were going to work on our marriage, then he picked alcohol over me, said he wanted a divorce... then within a week we repeated the same events ver batum... and I think it's shitty.

So I'm sitting here, actually quite upset with things, looking at the Christmas decorations at my parents' house. Where I now live.

Fucking Feliz Navidad Asshole.

I think I'm having the worst time with his "Our marriage doesn't work (because I won't try and think I'm better than you) but we can still be friends and see what happens after the divorce."

EXCUSE ME?

I could go on and on, but I'm not really in the mood to at the moment. I just figured that I needed to start writing again, to clear my head, and to get back to something that I enjoy.

But so far, my Thanksgiving sucked, and now my Christmas is ruined.

humpfh.