New Year's Eve

So it's officially New Year's Eve...

And later I'll post my resolutions... after I pretend to go to sleep.

I really need to go to the doctor and have my head looked at again.

Backstory quickly: I'm Cyclothymic. It's a less severe form of Bipolar... more like a not so severe Bipolar 1- the manic dominate one not the depressive dominate one.

And guess what? I'm in a manic phase.

Full swing.

Venting... as only Maddy can do ;)

So I'm in a total conundrum.

I feel like I have no idea what the fuck is going on most of the time. It's like, when you think your life is one way and then it totally kicks you in the ass you end up not really knowing which way is up.

I'm torn in my emotions. It's like, one minute I just want to kick DH in the skull with heels on... then the next I just want to cuddle up next to him.

This FUCKING SUCKS.

We have terrible conversations which are more like petty arguments of nothing but screaming and yelling via telephone and then when we see eachother everything clicks into place. Yet, it's hard to not over think things when things are said out of spite to stab the other in the heart over and over again. Most of the stabbing is done by said husband... and I don't know if I'm just a tough little poppet or a total and complete idiot.

For example:
Last night DH called me the "C-you-next-Tuesday!" word... and then after sleeping I got in my vehicle and drove in the snow 45 minutes to see him... and it was an amazing 5 hours. There was closeness and positive emotion between us... yet then I leave and when we talk again there's the distance which is so deadly.

I find myself wanting to stand up for myself, yet then every single time the phone rings my whole being screams his name in my head.

:::sigh:::

That S.O.B. is my whole heart. He knows this too. I feel like a puppet on a string... maybe that's why my latest nickname is Poppet... just not from him. Then again, I also know it has the British definition behind it which is what those who call me that are going by...

The whole 'doll-like' thing.

Although, I feel better about things at 1.59 am right now then I did exactly 24 hours ago... but still.




I know that all month long I just wished to see him on Christmas. It didn't go as I had hoped, and he didn't know about it since I was just wishing on stars... but I did see him for an hour...

But I really want to spend New Year's with him. I keep hoping and wishing but I know it isn't going to happen. I think he'd rather be alone than with me... and even though I'm trying to just go with the flow and not over think things I just cannot help but over think them.

I don't even know if this makes any sense. I'm sort of just thinking tons of thoughts and trying to just get them out. It probably isn't even very flow-y let alone coherent.









Shit.

Just SHIT.

Didja miss me?! :)

Oh my gawsh it's been forever!

So much has changed in my world... but we'll start with my head. My head is fine now after the accident with the whole brick sidewalk.

DH and I were going to work on our marriage, then he picked alcohol over me, said he wanted a divorce... then within a week we repeated the same events ver batum... and I think it's shitty.

So I'm sitting here, actually quite upset with things, looking at the Christmas decorations at my parents' house. Where I now live.

Fucking Feliz Navidad Asshole.

I think I'm having the worst time with his "Our marriage doesn't work (because I won't try and think I'm better than you) but we can still be friends and see what happens after the divorce."

EXCUSE ME?

I could go on and on, but I'm not really in the mood to at the moment. I just figured that I needed to start writing again, to clear my head, and to get back to something that I enjoy.

But so far, my Thanksgiving sucked, and now my Christmas is ruined.

humpfh.

Stuck in my head... good tune btw

The lyrics to the song that's been stuck in my head since darling husband turned into dick head husband.
Figured I needed to get it out, while I was spilling "privileged information" about Miss Maddy. :)




I feel my wings have broken in your hands
I feel the words unspoken inside
When they pull you under
And I would give you any thing you want
You were all I wanted
All my dreams are falling down
Crawling round and round and round

Somebody save me
Let your waters break right through
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save, save
Come on
I've been waiting for you

I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside
And they pull me under
And I would give you anything you want
You were all I wanted
All my dreams have fallen down
Crawling round and round and round

Somebody save me
Let your waters break right through
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save, save
Come on
I've been waiting for you

All my dreams are on the ground
Crawling' round and round and round

Somebody save me
Let your waters break right through
Somebody save me
I don't' care how you do it
Just save me, save me
I've made this whole world shine for you
Just save, save
Come on
I'm still waiting for you

Infatuation or Obsession?

Now, this is what Evil Spock has been waiting for...

My Bruce Campbell Shrine.

You see that face? Now, many of you would call me crazy for thinking that's sexy... and granted I married someone totally different than that- but let me explain myself before ya'll go passing judgement.

The year was 1993. I was about 11 or 12 years old. I was madly in love with horses, and thought that I would marry a cowboy and live on a ranch. I watched TGIF religiously, and loved Chef Boyardee products and Fruit Roll-ups.

Life was innocent and pure. Then one day I saw a commercial for a certain television show that was starting and I literally froze.

I wrote little post-it notes and put them everywhere to remind myself when this show was premiering, and when that day and time finally came around I sat only two or three feet away from the television screen, Indian-style, in my jammies, with the volume cranked.

At first it was the cowboys and the horses... and then I saw his face.

Brisco County Jr.

I started a group on Prodigy with my computer from the year 1812 and posted bulletins all about him. I made my parents buy me pictures and posters of him. I fell in love with this man.

I told everyone I met, and even my parents- that one day I was going to marry this man.

He was so witty, smart, and honestly he was the first man to make me gush and swoon over.

Stop laughing out loud- someone will hear you and think you're being a deviant or something. :)

I saw Army of Darkness that year (I think it was) and even though it was a bit creepy with all that gore- look at that face. Look at that hair. The chainsaw... yeah, part of me wish I was a dirty demon he could play with. Then again, I didn't really know exactly what that entailed then.

Okay, that's fine and dandy... until I still have this super big crush on him and I'm in middle school. The first boy who kissed me wasn't Bruce... but when I closed my eyes he sure as hell was.

The first boy I slept with... kept my eyes closed the entire time thinking about Bruce Campbell.

Honest to God.

The other boys I've slept with have all been Bruce Campbell at some point in time- mostly the best times. To think, most of them thought I was that into them. Nope... I was just picturing you as someone old enough to be our dad. :)

It's now 13 years later. I'm still "oh-my-gawsh-super-hot" for the man. Husband doesn't know- unless he reads this which he mostly doesn't I'm sure- and even him before when we were in high school- yes, he was Bruce Campbell a couple of times. Shame on me. :)

I've noticed that when I'm having a bad day- Bruce will come to visit me in a dream. It's not always just about him standing there being sexy (even now with grey hair too) but it's all I need think about to smile.

Seriously... tell me that isn't one handsome man. And yes, the stubble is sexy.

Funny thing is... I wonder if I wrote to him and sent him a picture if he'd give me a lock of his hair. Sort of crazy... but we've all had our big celeb crushes... mine just never went away.