Sunday, December 31, 2006

New Year's Eve

So it's officially New Year's Eve...

And later I'll post my resolutions... after I pretend to go to sleep.

I really need to go to the doctor and have my head looked at again.

Backstory quickly: I'm Cyclothymic. It's a less severe form of Bipolar... more like a not so severe Bipolar 1- the manic dominate one not the depressive dominate one.

And guess what? I'm in a manic phase.

Full swing.

Venting... as only Maddy can do ;)

So I'm in a total conundrum.

I feel like I have no idea what the fuck is going on most of the time. It's like, when you think your life is one way and then it totally kicks you in the ass you end up not really knowing which way is up.

I'm torn in my emotions. It's like, one minute I just want to kick DH in the skull with heels on... then the next I just want to cuddle up next to him.


We have terrible conversations which are more like petty arguments of nothing but screaming and yelling via telephone and then when we see eachother everything clicks into place. Yet, it's hard to not over think things when things are said out of spite to stab the other in the heart over and over again. Most of the stabbing is done by said husband... and I don't know if I'm just a tough little poppet or a total and complete idiot.

For example:
Last night DH called me the "C-you-next-Tuesday!" word... and then after sleeping I got in my vehicle and drove in the snow 45 minutes to see him... and it was an amazing 5 hours. There was closeness and positive emotion between us... yet then I leave and when we talk again there's the distance which is so deadly.

I find myself wanting to stand up for myself, yet then every single time the phone rings my whole being screams his name in my head.


That S.O.B. is my whole heart. He knows this too. I feel like a puppet on a string... maybe that's why my latest nickname is Poppet... just not from him. Then again, I also know it has the British definition behind it which is what those who call me that are going by...

The whole 'doll-like' thing.

Although, I feel better about things at 1.59 am right now then I did exactly 24 hours ago... but still.

I know that all month long I just wished to see him on Christmas. It didn't go as I had hoped, and he didn't know about it since I was just wishing on stars... but I did see him for an hour...

But I really want to spend New Year's with him. I keep hoping and wishing but I know it isn't going to happen. I think he'd rather be alone than with me... and even though I'm trying to just go with the flow and not over think things I just cannot help but over think them.

I don't even know if this makes any sense. I'm sort of just thinking tons of thoughts and trying to just get them out. It probably isn't even very flow-y let alone coherent.


Just SHIT.

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Didja miss me?! :)

Oh my gawsh it's been forever!

So much has changed in my world... but we'll start with my head. My head is fine now after the accident with the whole brick sidewalk.

DH and I were going to work on our marriage, then he picked alcohol over me, said he wanted a divorce... then within a week we repeated the same events ver batum... and I think it's shitty.

So I'm sitting here, actually quite upset with things, looking at the Christmas decorations at my parents' house. Where I now live.

Fucking Feliz Navidad Asshole.

I think I'm having the worst time with his "Our marriage doesn't work (because I won't try and think I'm better than you) but we can still be friends and see what happens after the divorce."


I could go on and on, but I'm not really in the mood to at the moment. I just figured that I needed to start writing again, to clear my head, and to get back to something that I enjoy.

But so far, my Thanksgiving sucked, and now my Christmas is ruined.


Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Just So Ya'll Know

I just wanted to let everyone know that I don't know when I'll be back on, but early Sunday morning I had an accident and received a concussion due to it.

The accident wasn't that bad- ended up getting tripped by MP thanks to a tie-out leash and hit my head on the brick sidewalk... but even though I have no exterior signs my brain is telling me and DH otherwise.

It's bad enough to have symptoms within the first 4 hours, and today is worse than yesterday, which was worse than the previous day.

I need to rest, and stuff.

I'll be back when I feel better. Promise.

Saturday, November 04, 2006

Stuck in my head... good tune btw

The lyrics to the song that's been stuck in my head since darling husband turned into dick head husband.
Figured I needed to get it out, while I was spilling "privileged information" about Miss Maddy. :)

I feel my wings have broken in your hands
I feel the words unspoken inside
When they pull you under
And I would give you any thing you want
You were all I wanted
All my dreams are falling down
Crawling round and round and round

Somebody save me
Let your waters break right through
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save, save
Come on
I've been waiting for you

I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside
And they pull me under
And I would give you anything you want
You were all I wanted
All my dreams have fallen down
Crawling round and round and round

Somebody save me
Let your waters break right through
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save, save
Come on
I've been waiting for you

All my dreams are on the ground
Crawling' round and round and round

Somebody save me
Let your waters break right through
Somebody save me
I don't' care how you do it
Just save me, save me
I've made this whole world shine for you
Just save, save
Come on
I'm still waiting for you

Friday, November 03, 2006

Infatuation or Obsession?

Now, this is what Evil Spock has been waiting for...
My Bruce Campbell Shrine.

You see that face? Now, many of you would call me crazy for thinking that's sexy... and granted I married someone totally different than that- but let me explain myself before ya'll go passing judgement.

The year was 1993. I was about 11 or 12 years old. I was madly in love with horses, and thought that I would marry a cowboy and live on a ranch. I watched TGIF religiously, and loved Chef Boyardee products and Fruit Roll-ups.

Life was innocent and pure. Then one day I saw a commercial for a certain television show that was starting and I literally froze.

I wrote little post-it notes and put them everywhere to remind myself when this show was premiering, and when that day and time finally came around I sat only two or three feet away from the television screen, Indian-style, in my jammies, with the volume cranked.

At first it was the cowboys and the horses... and then I saw his face.

Brisco County Jr.

I started a group on Prodigy with my computer from the year 1812 and posted bulletins all about him. I made my parents buy me pictures and posters of him. I fell in love with this man.

I told everyone I met, and even my parents- that one day I was going to marry this man.

He was so witty, smart, and honestly he was the first man to make me gush and swoon over.

Stop laughing out loud- someone will hear you and think you're being a deviant or something. :)

I saw Army of Darkness that year (I think it was) and even though it was a bit creepy with all that gore- look at that face. Look at that hair. The chainsaw... yeah, part of me wish I was a dirty demon he could play with. Then again, I didn't really know exactly what that entailed then.

Okay, that's fine and dandy... until I still have this super big crush on him and I'm in middle school. The first boy who kissed me wasn't Bruce... but when I closed my eyes he sure as hell was.

The first boy I slept with... kept my eyes closed the entire time thinking about Bruce Campbell.

Honest to God.

The other boys I've slept with have all been Bruce Campbell at some point in time- mostly the best times. To think, most of them thought I was that into them. Nope... I was just picturing you as someone old enough to be our dad. :)

It's now 13 years later. I'm still "oh-my-gawsh-super-hot" for the man. Husband doesn't know- unless he reads this which he mostly doesn't I'm sure- and even him before when we were in high school- yes, he was Bruce Campbell a couple of times. Shame on me. :)

I've noticed that when I'm having a bad day- Bruce will come to visit me in a dream. It's not always just about him standing there being sexy (even now with grey hair too) but it's all I need think about to smile.

Seriously... tell me that isn't one handsome man. And yes, the stubble is sexy.

Funny thing is... I wonder if I wrote to him and sent him a picture if he'd give me a lock of his hair. Sort of crazy... but we've all had our big celeb crushes... mine just never went away.

To be fair now...

My meow-meow is quite upset at the attention put upon the two monsters in his life...

So MM has told me to find this link and have you read it.

Now MM wants to terrorize the carpet. That's all he wanted to say.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

The Two Boys...

I told Baba G. that I'd write a little something on my "sons". Also, I know that BSB wanted some pictures.

That right there is Monster Puppy. He's my baby all right. For those that don't know, he's a weimaraner.

Let's see... a little first about the weimaraner shall we? It helps explain his "issues" better at first...

According to the Weimaraner Club of America, if you go here you will see this:

1. Weimaraners are very energetic animals...they are bred to hunt all day with their master. Changing this behavior changes the essential Weim. If you can not deal with this behavior, you should look at other breeds less rambunctious! 2. Weims are not soft mouthed like a Golden Retriever or Irish Setter. They are still the game hunter and some Weims have a low tolerance for small fur bearing animals including cats and small dogs. Changing this behavior again changes the basic temperament of the dog.
3. Weims can bark and if you are away from them too much and they are left to themselves, Weimaraners are like any other lonely dog, they will bark incessantly and develop bad habits or try escaping their surroundings.
4. Although Weimaraners are hunting dogs, they do not like living outdoors. They require your attention. They are the true, loyal, hunting companions in every respect, needing your friendship. Chaining a Weim outside will not work!
5. Inspite of the folklore and myth surrounding the breed, the Weimaraner is not a wonder dog. Given the opportunity, he will still steal the pot roast off the dining room table when no one is looking!"

Now... my thoughts on the matter:

1. Weimaraners bond with one person in the household. They attach and are bred to be with this person all day "working" and then sleeping in your bed next to you. If you don't want a bed hog- then find another breed. The have a tendency to steal all the blankets and end up sleeping on your pillows too- no matter what the training. It may be cute for a smaller dog- but when he's 85 lbs? You need a bigger bed.

2. Unless you have a full-grown cat who is fine with dogs already- then don't get one with a weimaraner. Also, don't rely on "shock collars" to stop your monster puppy if they see something like a rabbit in the yard or a cat on the street. They're hunters. Oh, and birds? You'd be surprised how close they get. Some have been known to catch birds just like a feline would.

3. They have separation anxiety. It's bad. Not only do they have a "mimic cry" but if you're not careful and leave the house with your monster alone then you might have animal control called on you for the "barking" and someone thinking the lonely pup is being abused. Also- this is the type of dog where someone has to always be home or needs an older and more calm dog to hang out with. Also, when the separation anxiety kicks in it doesn't matter if they're kenneled or not because something is going to get hurt. If crated, it'll be your dog (i.e. his nails, teeth from digging/biting at cage door) and if left out then it could be anything from clothing to television remotes to your most favorite shoes or even cellphone. Oh, and if the person "watching" monster isn't the one they've bonded to- good luck with the pacing and howling. :)

4. They need supervision. Constantly. At first they won't go outside unless you're right there- and when they "calm down" you still have to be visible to them. Also, their coat is super short- so if you were naked outside and would be cold, or sun-burned then your weim will be too.

5. Yes, they are food obsessed. They beg, and guess what?! Their head is the perfect height for resting their chin on the dinner table while you eat.

Yes, Monster Puppy is eating lettuce. Stolen right off the island.

Now, there's a reason he's called Monster Puppy. Actually, owners of the breed call them "Weimzilla" instead.

For example:

Given the dysfunction and the neurotic nature of the weimaraner, along with the human-like traits, I figured what more could an over-emotional, neurotic, and needy girl ask for that a four-legged best friend just like her.

So I got him.

Not a day goes by that I regret that. Even though there are times when I can't do things because of him, he has made me more happy than I ever thought I could be.

This breed has CHARACTER. Personality. They constantly make you laugh with their facial expressions. Yes, they make facial expressions more than any other breed I've run across. They're jestures, and sweet down to the very core of their being. I've never had a best friend like him, and I'm hooked on the breed. They say once you have a weimzilla you'll never not have one. It's true...

There is a bond that you have with your weim that isn't describable. This guy is unreal... He can go from cuddle-bug, to playtime, to protector ("pretty face" teeth and growling and everything at someone he doesn't like), to letting my barely 3 year old niece pull his ears in a matter of minutes. He's clumsy, and thinks he weighs two pounds. He loves car rides, and sits by the door I left out of until I return- even if it's for hours.

Oh, and they snore too.

Word to the wise- the gas on these things. Worst thing EVER.

They also have food allergies and don't always photograph well... atleast not inside for me anyways. :)

Now... Sweet Puppy is a mutt. :)

This guy is half basset hound, half something else. He's pushing 6 years old, and so calm and gentle you can't help but call him Sweet Puppy. Oh, that and Oreo sometimes.

Yes, that's his most favorite blanket/comforter in the world. Star Wars. Figured Evil Spock might like that- a dog who loves SciFi.

Also, there isn't much to say on Sweet Puppy, because he's just so sweet and loving. Oh, he's cookie obsessed.

That and he's got tons of facial hair.

What a crappy picture of him- but it's funny.

I want a refund from Tylenol PM.

I'm bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. It's 1.35 am.

I'm having issues with insomnia. Problem is, I can't fall asleep. I don't feel tired. Then when I do... I wake up shortly after falling asleep ready to go. Yet, I force myself to stay in bed until a "normal" time and then before I know it the clock is reading some number between 10 and 11 am.

I've tried changing things. Caffeine, nicotine, sugar... everything. So far the only things that get me to pass out at night are alcohol or the hype of having "sexy time" as Borat says. Not that I don't absolutely love having sex... but it always seems that when I plan for it to happen I fall asleep before it actually does.

So much for planning. Besides, when you don't plan for it oh my gawsh it's ten times better at least.

Yet, when I know DH is passed out because he's beat... then my mind starts racing and I can't help but think of ten trillion things I could be doing. Hardly any of them get accomplished due to having to be "quiet" for all the non-vampire hours people.

There's never anything really on television either at this time. Mostly crap I have no interest in, or infomercials.

I've tried everything except go see a doctor. Maybe I should start thinking about it because this has been going on for months and months now.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Week 9 of the NFL- Are you ready?

So I'm a football lover. I love my home team, and I love another team that's not any place that I've ever been to... yet.

It's not wrong. I just have always felt like both were my teams.

Now, it seems like I can be happy. However... go here.

I'm a Patriots girl (#3) and a Broncos girl (#4).

Don't hate me because I love two teams... not everyone has to be super loyal to one when they can be sort of loyal to two. Right?

See, last year when the Patriots played the Broncos I was super happy with whomever won. It's normally that way... but after reading this I feel that I might (hopefully) be torn at Superbowl time.

If the Pats stay up there- and the Broncos don't let what happened with the Colts earlier this week happen again (the Colts are 'shystee' BASTARDS... don't get me started on stupid kickers who have no loyalty to New England!) then there is the possibility that they might both go to the "tournament of champions".


Then what? See... instead of thinking about how happy I'll be I'll be wondering what colors to wear.

We just have to get rid of the Bears and wish some sort of minor injury to Peyton's throwing arm... Like a pulled muscle in his ring finger or something.