New Year's Eve

So it's officially New Year's Eve...

And later I'll post my resolutions... after I pretend to go to sleep.

I really need to go to the doctor and have my head looked at again.

Backstory quickly: I'm Cyclothymic. It's a less severe form of Bipolar... more like a not so severe Bipolar 1- the manic dominate one not the depressive dominate one.

And guess what? I'm in a manic phase.

Full swing.

Venting... as only Maddy can do ;)

So I'm in a total conundrum.

I feel like I have no idea what the fuck is going on most of the time. It's like, when you think your life is one way and then it totally kicks you in the ass you end up not really knowing which way is up.

I'm torn in my emotions. It's like, one minute I just want to kick DH in the skull with heels on... then the next I just want to cuddle up next to him.

This FUCKING SUCKS.

We have terrible conversations which are more like petty arguments of nothing but screaming and yelling via telephone and then when we see eachother everything clicks into place. Yet, it's hard to not over think things when things are said out of spite to stab the other in the heart over and over again. Most of the stabbing is done by said husband... and I don't know if I'm just a tough little poppet or a total and complete idiot.

For example:
Last night DH called me the "C-you-next-Tuesday!" word... and then after sleeping I got in my vehicle and drove in the snow 45 minutes to see him... and it was an amazing 5 hours. There was closeness and positive emotion between us... yet then I leave and when we talk again there's the distance which is so deadly.

I find myself wanting to stand up for myself, yet then every single time the phone rings my whole being screams his name in my head.

:::sigh:::

That S.O.B. is my whole heart. He knows this too. I feel like a puppet on a string... maybe that's why my latest nickname is Poppet... just not from him. Then again, I also know it has the British definition behind it which is what those who call me that are going by...

The whole 'doll-like' thing.

Although, I feel better about things at 1.59 am right now then I did exactly 24 hours ago... but still.




I know that all month long I just wished to see him on Christmas. It didn't go as I had hoped, and he didn't know about it since I was just wishing on stars... but I did see him for an hour...

But I really want to spend New Year's with him. I keep hoping and wishing but I know it isn't going to happen. I think he'd rather be alone than with me... and even though I'm trying to just go with the flow and not over think things I just cannot help but over think them.

I don't even know if this makes any sense. I'm sort of just thinking tons of thoughts and trying to just get them out. It probably isn't even very flow-y let alone coherent.









Shit.

Just SHIT.

Didja miss me?! :)

Oh my gawsh it's been forever!

So much has changed in my world... but we'll start with my head. My head is fine now after the accident with the whole brick sidewalk.

DH and I were going to work on our marriage, then he picked alcohol over me, said he wanted a divorce... then within a week we repeated the same events ver batum... and I think it's shitty.

So I'm sitting here, actually quite upset with things, looking at the Christmas decorations at my parents' house. Where I now live.

Fucking Feliz Navidad Asshole.

I think I'm having the worst time with his "Our marriage doesn't work (because I won't try and think I'm better than you) but we can still be friends and see what happens after the divorce."

EXCUSE ME?

I could go on and on, but I'm not really in the mood to at the moment. I just figured that I needed to start writing again, to clear my head, and to get back to something that I enjoy.

But so far, my Thanksgiving sucked, and now my Christmas is ruined.

humpfh.

Just So Ya'll Know

I just wanted to let everyone know that I don't know when I'll be back on, but early Sunday morning I had an accident and received a concussion due to it.

The accident wasn't that bad- ended up getting tripped by MP thanks to a tie-out leash and hit my head on the brick sidewalk... but even though I have no exterior signs my brain is telling me and DH otherwise.

It's bad enough to have symptoms within the first 4 hours, and today is worse than yesterday, which was worse than the previous day.

I need to rest, and stuff.

I'll be back when I feel better. Promise.

Stuck in my head... good tune btw

The lyrics to the song that's been stuck in my head since darling husband turned into dick head husband.
Figured I needed to get it out, while I was spilling "privileged information" about Miss Maddy. :)




I feel my wings have broken in your hands
I feel the words unspoken inside
When they pull you under
And I would give you any thing you want
You were all I wanted
All my dreams are falling down
Crawling round and round and round

Somebody save me
Let your waters break right through
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save, save
Come on
I've been waiting for you

I see the world has folded in your heart
I feel the waves crash down inside
And they pull me under
And I would give you anything you want
You were all I wanted
All my dreams have fallen down
Crawling round and round and round

Somebody save me
Let your waters break right through
Somebody save me
I don't care how you do it
Just save, save
Come on
I've been waiting for you

All my dreams are on the ground
Crawling' round and round and round

Somebody save me
Let your waters break right through
Somebody save me
I don't' care how you do it
Just save me, save me
I've made this whole world shine for you
Just save, save
Come on
I'm still waiting for you

Infatuation or Obsession?

Now, this is what Evil Spock has been waiting for...

My Bruce Campbell Shrine.

You see that face? Now, many of you would call me crazy for thinking that's sexy... and granted I married someone totally different than that- but let me explain myself before ya'll go passing judgement.

The year was 1993. I was about 11 or 12 years old. I was madly in love with horses, and thought that I would marry a cowboy and live on a ranch. I watched TGIF religiously, and loved Chef Boyardee products and Fruit Roll-ups.

Life was innocent and pure. Then one day I saw a commercial for a certain television show that was starting and I literally froze.

I wrote little post-it notes and put them everywhere to remind myself when this show was premiering, and when that day and time finally came around I sat only two or three feet away from the television screen, Indian-style, in my jammies, with the volume cranked.

At first it was the cowboys and the horses... and then I saw his face.

Brisco County Jr.

I started a group on Prodigy with my computer from the year 1812 and posted bulletins all about him. I made my parents buy me pictures and posters of him. I fell in love with this man.

I told everyone I met, and even my parents- that one day I was going to marry this man.

He was so witty, smart, and honestly he was the first man to make me gush and swoon over.

Stop laughing out loud- someone will hear you and think you're being a deviant or something. :)

I saw Army of Darkness that year (I think it was) and even though it was a bit creepy with all that gore- look at that face. Look at that hair. The chainsaw... yeah, part of me wish I was a dirty demon he could play with. Then again, I didn't really know exactly what that entailed then.

Okay, that's fine and dandy... until I still have this super big crush on him and I'm in middle school. The first boy who kissed me wasn't Bruce... but when I closed my eyes he sure as hell was.

The first boy I slept with... kept my eyes closed the entire time thinking about Bruce Campbell.

Honest to God.

The other boys I've slept with have all been Bruce Campbell at some point in time- mostly the best times. To think, most of them thought I was that into them. Nope... I was just picturing you as someone old enough to be our dad. :)

It's now 13 years later. I'm still "oh-my-gawsh-super-hot" for the man. Husband doesn't know- unless he reads this which he mostly doesn't I'm sure- and even him before when we were in high school- yes, he was Bruce Campbell a couple of times. Shame on me. :)

I've noticed that when I'm having a bad day- Bruce will come to visit me in a dream. It's not always just about him standing there being sexy (even now with grey hair too) but it's all I need think about to smile.

Seriously... tell me that isn't one handsome man. And yes, the stubble is sexy.

Funny thing is... I wonder if I wrote to him and sent him a picture if he'd give me a lock of his hair. Sort of crazy... but we've all had our big celeb crushes... mine just never went away.

To be fair now...

My meow-meow is quite upset at the attention put upon the two monsters in his life...

So MM has told me to find this link and have you read it.

Now MM wants to terrorize the carpet. That's all he wanted to say.

The Two Boys...

I told Baba G. that I'd write a little something on my "sons". Also, I know that BSB wanted some pictures.

That right there is Monster Puppy. He's my baby all right. For those that don't know, he's a weimaraner.

Let's see... a little first about the weimaraner shall we? It helps explain his "issues" better at first...

According to the Weimaraner Club of America, if you go here you will see this:

"Characteristics
1. Weimaraners are very energetic animals...they are bred to hunt all day with their master. Changing this behavior changes the essential Weim. If you can not deal with this behavior, you should look at other breeds less rambunctious! 2. Weims are not soft mouthed like a Golden Retriever or Irish Setter. They are still the game hunter and some Weims have a low tolerance for small fur bearing animals including cats and small dogs. Changing this behavior again changes the basic temperament of the dog.
3. Weims can bark and if you are away from them too much and they are left to themselves, Weimaraners are like any other lonely dog, they will bark incessantly and develop bad habits or try escaping their surroundings.
4. Although Weimaraners are hunting dogs, they do not like living outdoors. They require your attention. They are the true, loyal, hunting companions in every respect, needing your friendship. Chaining a Weim outside will not work!
5. Inspite of the folklore and myth surrounding the breed, the Weimaraner is not a wonder dog. Given the opportunity, he will still steal the pot roast off the dining room table when no one is looking!"

Now... my thoughts on the matter:

1. Weimaraners bond with one person in the household. They attach and are bred to be with this person all day "working" and then sleeping in your bed next to you. If you don't want a bed hog- then find another breed. The have a tendency to steal all the blankets and end up sleeping on your pillows too- no matter what the training. It may be cute for a smaller dog- but when he's 85 lbs? You need a bigger bed.

2. Unless you have a full-grown cat who is fine with dogs already- then don't get one with a weimaraner. Also, don't rely on "shock collars" to stop your monster puppy if they see something like a rabbit in the yard or a cat on the street. They're hunters. Oh, and birds? You'd be surprised how close they get. Some have been known to catch birds just like a feline would.

3. They have separation anxiety. It's bad. Not only do they have a "mimic cry" but if you're not careful and leave the house with your monster alone then you might have animal control called on you for the "barking" and someone thinking the lonely pup is being abused. Also- this is the type of dog where someone has to always be home or needs an older and more calm dog to hang out with. Also, when the separation anxiety kicks in it doesn't matter if they're kenneled or not because something is going to get hurt. If crated, it'll be your dog (i.e. his nails, teeth from digging/biting at cage door) and if left out then it could be anything from clothing to television remotes to your most favorite shoes or even cellphone. Oh, and if the person "watching" monster isn't the one they've bonded to- good luck with the pacing and howling. :)

4. They need supervision. Constantly. At first they won't go outside unless you're right there- and when they "calm down" you still have to be visible to them. Also, their coat is super short- so if you were naked outside and would be cold, or sun-burned then your weim will be too.

5. Yes, they are food obsessed. They beg, and guess what?! Their head is the perfect height for resting their chin on the dinner table while you eat.

Yes, Monster Puppy is eating lettuce. Stolen right off the island.

Now, there's a reason he's called Monster Puppy. Actually, owners of the breed call them "Weimzilla" instead.

For example:

Given the dysfunction and the neurotic nature of the weimaraner, along with the human-like traits, I figured what more could an over-emotional, neurotic, and needy girl ask for that a four-legged best friend just like her.

So I got him.

Not a day goes by that I regret that. Even though there are times when I can't do things because of him, he has made me more happy than I ever thought I could be.

This breed has CHARACTER. Personality. They constantly make you laugh with their facial expressions. Yes, they make facial expressions more than any other breed I've run across. They're jestures, and sweet down to the very core of their being. I've never had a best friend like him, and I'm hooked on the breed. They say once you have a weimzilla you'll never not have one. It's true...

There is a bond that you have with your weim that isn't describable. This guy is unreal... He can go from cuddle-bug, to playtime, to protector ("pretty face" teeth and growling and everything at someone he doesn't like), to letting my barely 3 year old niece pull his ears in a matter of minutes. He's clumsy, and thinks he weighs two pounds. He loves car rides, and sits by the door I left out of until I return- even if it's for hours.

Oh, and they snore too.

Word to the wise- the gas on these things. Worst thing EVER.

They also have food allergies and don't always photograph well... atleast not inside for me anyways. :)

Now... Sweet Puppy is a mutt. :)

This guy is half basset hound, half something else. He's pushing 6 years old, and so calm and gentle you can't help but call him Sweet Puppy. Oh, that and Oreo sometimes.

Yes, that's his most favorite blanket/comforter in the world. Star Wars. Figured Evil Spock might like that- a dog who loves SciFi.

Also, there isn't much to say on Sweet Puppy, because he's just so sweet and loving. Oh, he's cookie obsessed.


That and he's got tons of facial hair.

What a crappy picture of him- but it's funny.

I want a refund from Tylenol PM.

I'm bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. It's 1.35 am.

I'm having issues with insomnia. Problem is, I can't fall asleep. I don't feel tired. Then when I do... I wake up shortly after falling asleep ready to go. Yet, I force myself to stay in bed until a "normal" time and then before I know it the clock is reading some number between 10 and 11 am.

I've tried changing things. Caffeine, nicotine, sugar... everything. So far the only things that get me to pass out at night are alcohol or the hype of having "sexy time" as Borat says. Not that I don't absolutely love having sex... but it always seems that when I plan for it to happen I fall asleep before it actually does.

So much for planning. Besides, when you don't plan for it oh my gawsh it's ten times better at least.

Yet, when I know DH is passed out because he's beat... then my mind starts racing and I can't help but think of ten trillion things I could be doing. Hardly any of them get accomplished due to having to be "quiet" for all the non-vampire hours people.

There's never anything really on television either at this time. Mostly crap I have no interest in, or infomercials.

I've tried everything except go see a doctor. Maybe I should start thinking about it because this has been going on for months and months now.

Week 9 of the NFL- Are you ready?

So I'm a football lover. I love my home team, and I love another team that's not any place that I've ever been to... yet.

It's not wrong. I just have always felt like both were my teams.

Now, it seems like I can be happy. However... go here.

I'm a Patriots girl (#3) and a Broncos girl (#4).

Don't hate me because I love two teams... not everyone has to be super loyal to one when they can be sort of loyal to two. Right?

See, last year when the Patriots played the Broncos I was super happy with whomever won. It's normally that way... but after reading this I feel that I might (hopefully) be torn at Superbowl time.

If the Pats stay up there- and the Broncos don't let what happened with the Colts earlier this week happen again (the Colts are 'shystee' BASTARDS... don't get me started on stupid kickers who have no loyalty to New England!) then there is the possibility that they might both go to the "tournament of champions".

Shit.

Then what? See... instead of thinking about how happy I'll be I'll be wondering what colors to wear.

We just have to get rid of the Bears and wish some sort of minor injury to Peyton's throwing arm... Like a pulled muscle in his ring finger or something.


Humpfh.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Well, it's a little after 10 pm on Halloween Night, and after an evening of no scary movies, no get togethers, and no Trick or Treating I can safely say that I've officially let DH ruin the holiday for me.

I was hoping for at least a Harry Potter marathon. Dementors give me the chills more than Jason, Mike Myers, and Pin-cushion combined with Jigsaw and his sidekick chick.

But nope. I'm online aren't I?

See, DH doesn't "get" Halloween. He doesn't like to decorate the house or participate in it. It's not just Halloween either. He's a Hum-bug for Christmas, is anti-Thanksgiving except for eating the food. Oh, and birthdays? He'd rather skip them all together.

So this means I get screwed.

I'm a holiday person. I love to decorate and get festive. I still celebrate my birthday with cake and candles- and I still want presents and cards. I send out Christmas cards and all that jazz...

This is the absolute LAST BLOODY TIME he kills things for me. If he doesn't like it then he can go bite himself. I'm going to have a Christmas tree. I'm going to have my boat-loads of cards. I'm going to go out and get my garlands and wreaths and everything... and I'm not going to feel guilty for it either.



I'm in the mood to go murder a box of cookies.

Piss me off and see if you get a good Christmas present this year.

Why is it certain family members only think you want to talk to them when you want something like cash?

Even when you've never talked to them for that as a reason. EVER.

Isn't it just possible that you want to shoot the breeze with them because you love them? Maybe miss them? Oh, wait- how about both?

I don't think I can keep living with the knowledge of someone close to me thinking I constantly have some underlying motive. I don't play those games.

Sometimes All You Need Is Love

So much for Mother Nature turning off the wind.



Stupid weather.


So Saturday started off rocky- and I got bitchy at bunches of things. Wanted to go out with friends to a Halloween party. Weather was terrible and DH didn't want to drive that far to go... and neither of us were in a "dressing up" mood. I think the choice to not go wasn't so bad... but having to tell people that we weren't going put me in a really bitter mood.

Whatever happened to people respecting "No" and "I'm not going" as reasonable answers? A few of my friends are good that way- yet everyone else seems to need a justification for your answer. If you say "Yes!" then they're fine with it- but "No"?


Apparently "No" is a non-sufficient answer when it comes to driving almost 1.5 hours on the highway with 50+ mph winds, rain, and leaves blowing everywhere too mind you- to go drink dressed up at a bar or two with friends.


After having to justify myself- which is something I think is not only inappropriate for them to demand but insulting to my judgement as well- I was in super-bitch mode. Poor husband. That, in turn, put him into the same mood as me only less potent.


Mix that with being hungry... not a good recipe for Madison. She starts to turn into a scary Halloween monster with face all contorted, eyeballs popping out, and foaming at the fangs for someone to rip apart. She starts to resemble this (without the red nose since I wasn't cold):


Quite scary and most definitely unattractive.

However...


Nothing a little wine and a fire and a sexy new super-soft down-filled blanket and a husband couldn't fix though.


All of a sudden I then looked like this:

Well, and something else not so G-rated.

One of the perks of being married to someone like DH. Even though he can be a turd, and normally romantically challenged 98% of the time... when that 2% rolls around it seriously blows you away.

So it was a really really good ending to a crappy evening. Yet, Sunday morning rolled around and I tell you my head felt like someone was hitting it with a two-by-four.

I used to drink all the time and not feel like I was dying the next day. Then when I turned 25 earlier this year something happened and now with every sip I see the "Welcome to Hangover-ville!" sign getting closer and closer before I go to bed.

How did I wake up? To a big cup of coffee and a bacon, egg, and biscuit breakfast.

Oh, and warmed robe to slip into.

Be jealous. I would be. This sort of thing normally escapes me... but like I said- when it does happen it blows me away.

It was seriously just what I needed. I was starting to get into a funk over a few things, but there's nothing like having DH recognizing it (finally) and fixing it.

But I have to take Monster Puppy outside... he's really got to pee.

Talk about Halloween

I just read this and it made my skin crawl.

EYELASH IMPLANTS.

Don't believe? Read it yourself.

Apparently it's hair from your scalp and you have to trim and curl it to make it "normal".

When you think the world is screwed up enough- something like this comes around.

:::shivers:::

Ad says WHAT?

I just looked at my blog and guess what my adsense says?

"How to have an affair"

Like that's click-worthy.

I'm giving this stupid thing until tomorrow before it gets deleted. I'm all for single people doing their own thing- but I'm all set with instructions on my blog about how to cheat on someone.

Seriously.

"Baby did a bad, bad thing..."

This morning I called my cellphone provider to cancel. I murdered my phone a month ago in order to get the one I just got and refuse to pay $200+ for a phone than others can get for $79.99. Why should a current customer have to pay more than a new one? But anyways...

It's a $200 early termination fee for canceling my murdered phone's line... and I got out of it.

I told them about my terrible luck with the phone, how it ended up drowning it in a lake and then how my MP ate it up.

(I left out that I dropped it by "mistake" in the water, but then it still worked. So I took the battery out, called Monster Puppy over and played fetch with it.)

I didn't tell them that I got on DH's plan- but that I'm "saving" one of the lines on my Dad's plan with them. So then the sweet-talking Southern gal came out in me and I did the whole "bat-of-the-eyelashes" voice and saved myself a $200 fee.

Just like that.

I got off the phone all proud of myself... then I told DH. He then said this, "Isn't that manipulation and omitting the truth which you consider lying Miss Anti-Liars?"

So now I'm pouting.

Part of me wanted to call the company back and admit to it- part of me can think of tons of things I'd rather do with $200.

I plan on spending that money tonight so even if I end up changing my mind I can't because it's gone.

They're a major company. They can have the phone back. Yes, I murdered it. Yes, I didn't tell the whole truth- but I need that new whatever-it-is-I'm-buying more than they need that fee.

It's just like when you find $20 on the floor in a store- you can turn it in and have some employee keep it or you can pocket it as a "finder's fee".

It isn't that bad to keep it now is it?

Attack of the Killer Apples

So I'm randomly reading postings from Evil Spock and stumble upon a certain posting that I have to mention.

It's about a quiz, and you can read about it here.

This is my end result.

I am Mr Do.I am sedentary by nature, enjoying passive entertainment, eating when the mood takes me, and playing with my food. I try to avoid conflict, but when I'm angered, I can be a devil - if you force me to fight, I will crush you. With apples.(If you were not Mr Do you would be an Asteroid.)

Now, Asteroid states this:

I am a drifter. I go where life leads, which makes me usually a very calm and content sort of person. That or thoroughly apathetic. Usually I keep on doing whatever I'm doing, and it takes something special to make me change my mind.

I bolded the certain part regarding the apples for a few reasons.

Google Ads

I've been noticing my adsense is putting up ads regarding these topics:

Divorce
Adultery
Marriage Counseling
Get a Date
Depression



What the hell is going on?! This better not be "a sign". They need to put something else up. Like feeding the homeless or world peace. Isn't that what this blog is about? *smirk*

Blustery Days

I just went back outside, hoping the wind would've finally quit. Nope. It's been windy for a few days, and I'm honestly quite stick of it.

DH called me earlier and informed me that for our third anniversary he might be TDY again. It's in about three months, but still. Last year he was stuck at Keesler AFB while I was here... and I spend our anniversary at a strip club with two friends. No, not a male club. A female club. They always say a little t and a makes you smile, and even though I'm straight I find it to actually work. Yet, instead of focusing on the obvious (which the males tend to enjoy) I find myself fixated upon the footwear and lack of proper pedicures the girls have.

Last year I got a pair of stripper shoes, a state of drunkenness I hadn't had in a while, and a vibrator to pass the four months DH would be away.

Gotta love those guys. They're like my brothers only without the "ick" factor that one would get in receiving such gifts from actual brothers.

DH and I had a mini-argument (which was more like a discussion actually via cellphones) about how he feels that he shouldn't have to give up things to be married. Not like other girls or something, but like buying himself this or risking his life by jumping out of a plane. I get the trump card- I married a military man. I have to re-locate, adapt to his ever-changing work schedules, cannot go back to college because of the lack of permanent residency, cannot have a job that is a career (no one really hires you knowing you'll more than likely leave in a year or so unless it's retail or something else low paying), blah blah blah. He just doesn't get it though. Truly pisses me off.

I'm NOT Super Woman. I CANNOT do it all. There isn't enough hours in the day simply put. There isn't any way I can make good money, take care of monster animals with super separation anxiety, go back to school, take care of the home like Martha Stewart would, be a good wife, and sleep. Let alone have time for me...

No wonder I'm in dire need of a week of doing nothing.

I'd actually be quite content with the wind to stop. Mother Nature... come on please.

Isn't it a bit early to be thinking about Christmas?

Well, there's no "bun in the oven".

I'm sort of feeling relieved and a wee bit disappointed all in one. That's fine though, because even though I want to be a mom one day, today just isn't it. Besides, this means that I can still enjoy alcoholic beverages over the holidays. :)

It also means that I don't have to feel guilty for getting a new cellphone and going shopping with DH for bras! DH is a "spender" and whenever we go shopping for one or two items we always come home with ten times that amount, which the other day greatly benefited me. Meanwhile, I hadn't been to one of the three local-ish malls in quite some time and when I happened to stumble upon a certain storefront sign labeled "coming soon" I seriously felt my heart skip a beat.

SEPHORA.

Right here. Not in Boston, or even NYC. But here. I swear, DH didn't know if I was having a panic attack or was about to faint. This store may mean nothing to most- but to a "beauty junkie" it's like a staple to our daily functioning.

Meanwhile, over the past few days I've got the notion to explore Salem, Massachusetts for Halloween. I've been there twice before, just not on the holiday. DH lived there for a few years when he was younger with his father and the stories he has are quite spooky. It's just this vibe- which I still haven't figured out if it's real or imaginary- that just overwhelms the senses.

Yet that's the cart-before-the-horse... this weekend we're going apple picking. Again. I still have a quarter of a bushel of apples left from earlier in the month but I've got my heart set on a few apple pies to make. I'm going to send most of them with DH to the guys at work, and I suppose the apples I do have left- which are still very good by the way- are going into mason jars after getting squashed into apple sauce. Interesting how apples I personally picked right off a tree are still good 2.5 weeks later. Makes me wonder about the ones I buy at the grocery store... how old are they?

Getting back to shopping though... Christmas decor is already up and in full-force marketing in stores everywhere. It's October. Now, I'm one of the biggest fans for Christmas time, but it seems that every year it just starts sooner than the one previous. Yet, when one ventures into the stores now and sees ornaments, trees, and lighting options already they start to dwell on the holiday stresses. My SIL is one for this already. She's been calling me and is already stressing out over which holiday events are going to be feasable and which ones aren't. It's going to be a long season that's for sure.

This is the start of "who's family" between DH and I also. My parents are still married- so that's one house. His however are not, so that's two houses. It would be fine except it seems to always turn into his parents keeping us at their own house longer than planned so we end up being late to the next place- which thus turns into us never getting to my family.

Right now I'm debating just having Thanksgiving and Christmas at MY house.
Only DH, MP, SP, Meow-meow, and I.

Less presents obviously... but I'd rather have the fire roaring in the fireplace, a few bottles of wine, and DH next to me watching movies anyways.

DH's Phone Call from Work...

DH has a tendency to phone me from work. Constantly. Some days it's only twice, others it seems like every ten seconds.

He has his PT test through the military.

When he was on active duty he was, well, more active. Much more active.

Now he's guard, well, you get the point from the previous sentence.

I know it's terrible, but DH is vain. He likes looking good not for me, but so "the other girls are jealous of you babe" as he puts it to me.

Now, when I answer the telephone just a moment ago and I hear his voice I know in my guts something is wrong. It's the same tone and strain when something terrible has just happened. My heart starts racing. My mind is going through "Who died?! What hospital are you going to?! Accident?!" -- you know the list.

Then I get this...

"I got on the scale and it said 227 pounds and I know I've gotten a bit tubby but 227?! Then when they measured around my belly button it was 38 inches- and I was sucking it in!"

He's 6'1" by the way...

After telling him he's a bastard for doing that to me (panic of "oh no!") I can't help but laugh.

He's going to the gym after work today. Won't go for a walk with me, won't try Pilates, won't run with MP (who has much longer legs than SP), won't put down the chips until the bag is gone, and won't eat Subway instead of McDonald's... yet is now going to the gym.

I guess it's time to start hiding my chocolate stash! Shame on me for laughing, but I couldn't help it.

Weekend Rant Summary

It's been a few days...

Friday I went into Boston and saw Blue Man Group for the second time, with DH and Brother.

On the way there, we got stuck in traffic. It took us 3 hours to go 1 exit. Read the synopsis here. Good thing we left early because we barely made it there on time. Isn't it odd how whenever you're stuck in traffic that's when your bladder needs to expel itself ASAP?

Brother never saw the show before- and had a blast.

DH hadn't seen them either- but have you seen that episode of "King of Queens" when Doug gorges himself on egg rolls or something and then has to go to the theater with Carrie and his gas is terrible? Welcome to my life. The entire show was 'fragranced' by yes, MY DH.

Meanwhile, the past few nights I've been grinding my teeth like it's going out of style. I'm starting to think I've got Mad Cow Disease... not the typical sense by the way. More like, I'm mad as in neurotic... cow as in female since I'm not a "heifer"... and disease as in syndrome. Anyways, DH and I went on a hunt for an over-the-counter mouth guard last night for me. Went to three different stores- need a medium size but they only had large in stock. I ended up with a sports mouth guard. It's not even a clear one... so when I wake up in the morning and smile at DH- it's this big black bar in between my lips. Talk about sexy. Purrrrrrrrr.

This past weekend I also had to go to the grocery store... which I typically refuse to do unless it's after 7pm on a Tuesday or Wednesday. Why? Because of a few reasons:
1. People are normally at home and not out buying food. Empty Store = Happy Maddy.
2. It's a reason to hit up the Starbucks inside of Stop & Shop.
3. Old people are sleeping.
4. The little kids are sleeping too.

Yet, I needed to get a few things for cooking with my Momma. So I had to go. Not to my S&S but to Market Basket. The haven for the uber cheap and older people. Not only is their produce all basically wrapped in Saran wrap, but their selection sucks and the store is cramped.

This would be fine except for my lack of patience in these two areas:

1. SCREAMING INFANTS (1.5 years and under only): I don't understand why both parents who are with a single child who is screaming for some reason don't separate and tend to their kid while the other continues on. Why ignore your infant's screams? (Does not apply to older kids. I know why they scream.) Granted, I don't have any children of my own yet- but I have taken care of others' children including my niece many, many times.

2. RUDE ELDERLY WOMEN: I don't understand why just because we're both female, and you've got 50+ years on me that you think that you can cut me in line, push me out of the way, invade my personal space because you simply refuse to wait the whole 30 seconds for me to finish picking out my green beans. I don't get why you won't look me in the face, walk around with a scowl, and treat your poor husband pushing this super over-loaded cart like crap. Why you spend over $150 a week on food for just you/you and your husband- so the employees think you have a lively social life... I've listened to their conversations with the teen aged cashiers mmkay? (My father's mother is also guilty. It's just her and she spends over $150 a week throwing most of it out so the employees think she's doing okay.)

:::sigh:::

I've also started my Pilates regime all over again. For those who seriously have done it or do it- they know it hurts if done correctly. My poor "core"... my abs are so sore it hurt to tie my shoes the other day. This is what I get for going on a three week hiatus...

Enough of the rant. I'm hitting 'post' now.

Temporarily boycotting my closets...

I really should be cleaning and doing laundry so I can pack away summer clothing right now. (My last big hoorah before the holidays and laziness kicks in...)

Instead I'm googling apple recipes. Myself and the DH went apple picking this past weekend, and he got a bit too excited. We came home- just two of us mind you- with $40 worth of apples. That's a full bushel or whatever it is. That's like 100 pounds of apples. (I meant that figuratively obviously.)

Did I mention there are only two of us supposed to be eatting all of this? Oh, and that he wants to go again this weekend?

I'd never been apple picking before. The opportunity never arose, which is odd living in New England. Yet, this year (the first that we've been back to his 'home' in three years) I got the urge to go.

I've been trying to give them away, yet it hasn't been successful.

I think tomorrow I'm going to attempt a deep dish baked apple pie. That way if it comes out well I can make five more and send them to work with him as a treat for all the other air traffic controllers. Then again, maybe I'll just send four and keep another one for me. Apples are good for you, and who doesn't love pie?

Meanwhile, SP and MP are finally passed out on the couch. I guess after a day of almost non-stop barking and chasing around MM they've had about enough. Until DH comes home and then it'll be barking and the thundering of paws throughout the townhouse.

This picture above I took of my chipmunk friend yesterday. He has holes all over the place, and I keep getting into disagreements with DH about his removal. I like him, I named him Tom, and he trusts me enough to take bread out of my hand. He stays. So yesterday I found him out gathering acorns, and thought I would help him out. That's the third pile I placed by an entrance to his housing system in the backyard... I was three feet away from him when I took this picture.

But I should seriously start getting back to my closets even though I really don't care to.

Future Myspace Whore?

I'm sitting here, after finally logging off myspace, and wondering what happened to me.

I'm the well-mannered Southerner who always writes letters, sends cards, and prefers human-to-human contact in conversation.

Yet, I've turned into the texting, emailing, comment-leaving, anti-talking to another person face-to-face or even over the telephone creature from the depths of cyberspace.

When someone stops by, you feel obligated to chat with them even when you don't honestly want to. However, you can answer your phone or not, read that email or not, and open that myspace message or not- all depending on if you want to deal with them.

I really have traded some friendships for this machine. I've got some pretty stationary shopping to do- at a store and not online this time- and a busy day of returning phone calls tomorrow.

Today it was yardwork. Raking leaves and pine needles that have only started to fall. Cleaning seems to never stop- inside and out of my house.

On top of this I might be pregnant. Now it's too soon to tell, but I've just got this feeling...

I wonder if I should keep up with my pilates? Couldn't hurt anything but my muscles!

The sun will come out... tomorrow?

I'm lacking motivation lately.
I'm not eatting properly.
I'm not doing my pilates.
I'm not quitting smoking- even though I know I must.
I'm procrastinating on everything.
I'm not sleeping well either.

I feel like I'm in a lull.

Funny thing about lulls though- there really isn't a way to snap out of it. It just sort of happens.

Normally I know what put me in the funk to begin with, but this time I'm clueless. It's not hormones either by the way... I think it's just me starting to get a cold?



I think I need a "pretty day". When you get all done up for absolutely no reason.
When you look fabulous you feel fabulous...

That's what I'm betting on!

Is this what "Bringing Sexy Back" means?

What's the meaning of "I do"?
Personally, I think that the role of the man has been totally destroyed.
I'm not bashing the "We are women, hear us roar" movement that our mothers and grandmothers founded decades ago, but what has that cost our male generation in the process?
You can see it on television commercials, and in movies.
(The romantic comedy genre- obviously.)
Why is it that the media portrays a successful female with a not only emotional moron but a senseless idiot perfectly happy just being a bum? Let me clarify before you get annoyed...
In the 1998 flick "Hush" with Jessica Lange and Gwyneth Paltrow, the husband is clueless of his mother's insanity and disregards his wife when she tells him she's uneasy.
In "High Fidelity", John Cusack is emotionally defunct and relationship challenged even when Laura spells it out for him.
In "Just Married" Ashton is a total jerk towards Brittany in Europe when things don't go his way.
I could go on, but you get my drift.
Or even the commercials where a female walks in on her man "freshing up" and asks him why he's putting on a dirty sock- or when he's changing his shirt he just turns it inside out and backwards?
How about the Ford commercial with the girl at the dry cleaners drive thru who pays for the cute-guy-in-the-Mustang-behind-her's shirts? Seriously. He drives a brand new Mustang- he can pay for his own shirts to be cleaned.
This is NOT sexy. Men are supposed to be bold, charming, and strong. Women are too, but what has happened to this culture's perspective of manly men?
What happened to our Cary Grants? To our successful manly man who sweeps a girl off her feet? Why aren't those the type of men the media portrays as "good"? These days, you get "Shop Girl" and the audience cringes at the idea of Steve Martin and Claire Danes. Even in "Lost in Translation" you don't want Scarlett Johansson with Bill Murray.
Where's our manly men?
The provider, the protector, the giver, the man who makes you feel like a woman down to your very core with just one glance? Even if he is older- he's more experienced.
They don't exist anymore. Our generations manly man is one who lacks manners, has grooming issues, and is selfish down to the very center of his being.
Maybe this is the reason that many twenty-something women want to have families instead of careers. This should not be looked down upon!
Women can have younger men on their arm and aren't looked down upon. Flip the table and all of a sudden you hear the whispers of "He's old enough to be her father!"
What has happened in the past two decades?!

It upsets me. It envokes such discontent in me.

Maybe it's because I'm with one of our generations manly men, yet long for the type of decades past? Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but there isn't the commitment, trust, provider, protector in him. Yes, he's military. Yes, he fights for our country. That doesn't mean he isn't one of the most selfish people I've ever met; because he is.
Then again, how much of that is him, and how much is what he's been taught?
I've seen it in base housing the most. Sons growing up being tattle-tales. What happened to letting your little boy stand up for himself- even if he gets beat up or made fun of? Doesn't that teach him life lessons?

I've always thought it's easier to stand up and fight for your principles than it is to live each day by them. Maybe this is the case here?

Is it really about romance or the urge to nest?

The leaves are starting to change and gracefully make their way down to the ground. The weather is turning a tad bit nippy, and closets are starting to go through the twice-a-year turn over of the seasons.
Yet, as we pack our strappy sandals and lightweight tank tops away to make room for knee-high boots and wool sweaters, something is in the air.
No, I don't mean the moth balls that were lovingly tossed into the Rubbermaid containers with favorite sweaters.
It's something more primitive than that. It's the urge to "nest".
When we think of animals nesting, we think of bears in hibernation. Every day we see the chipmunks and the squirrels outside our windows starting to nest. They're busy out and about collecting nourishment for the winter.
Humans are different however. Our nesting is more about home and family than it is food and warmth.
Most people in the fall would rather be at home or with close friends and family than anywhere else. The fall brings football parties, and the start of the holiday season. Everything is more comfortable and cozy, and much more enjoyable if you aren't alone.


If the start of summer is "breakup season"... then is the start of fall the "pairing up season"?

Think about it for a moment. This time of year there are more couples than singles. More diamond rings are purchased in the fall than in the summer. More babies are conceived, and it's because the fall is romantic. The nights get chilly, so you tend to stay in more. Fireplaces are starting to get used, and bottles of wine go hand in hand with fireplaces. Candles set the mood, and also scent the air. The leaves turn and it's apple picking time. Pumpkin patches and hayrides. Walks after dinner, and cuddling while watching movies. Romantic.
Males don't even have to put effort into it. Everything about the fall is romantic. All they must do is select an activity and the female is more than pleased.

It's interesting isn't it?

Stop Screaming Seriously... remember it's SSS!

Something I personally have never quite understood is raising your voice at someone unprovoked.
According to the standard and general definition- that I'm aware of- yelling or screaming means that one is expressing an emotion in a verbal way out of an extreme emotion. Usually this is out of fear or rage. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it is usually a direct result of a catalyst.
Yet, when there isn't a catalyst involved- for example an argument- then the raising of one's voice over anothers, or yelling, isn't called for and should never be tolerated.
Especially from a spouse.
There is no excuse for not being able to control oneself in a non-confrontational environment. Be it in person, or over the telephone. There is also no excuse for treating a loved one (spouse or child) in such a manner.
The verbal and emotional battering of spouses is on the rise in this country. It happens in your city or town. It happens to those you work with, to people on your street. Maybe even in your very own home.
Somehow certain individuals find it socially and generally acceptable to not only disrespect but disregard the thoughts, opinions, and emotions of the person they have chosen to spend the rest of their life with.
Makes one wonder if the "gig is up" on courtship.
Just because someone has agreed to be committed to you does not give you the right to assasinate their character. It does not give you the right to call them names, and "put them in their place".

When relationships are in trouble, and the threat of ending the relationship is a bright, flashing red light inches from your face, you have to make a decision.
You have a few options:
1. Change yourself. How you communicate with your spouse. You need to sit back, take some time and maybe even a notebook, and honestly brainstorm the issues you personally have in your relationship.
2. Take the time to sincerely talk to your spouse about how you feel and what you think is causing the rift in your bond. Is it a meddling friend? Anger issues? Unresolved issues from early on in your courtship?

If you've tried that and a few other things and your spouse is unresponsive and argumentative still, then you need to make the choice; Is this how I want to live the rest of my life?

Is it worth putting all your chips down on red?

Is the key to surviving relationships denial?
No, it isn't a river in Egypt, contrary to popular belief.
We deny that we don't notice the subtle (and sometimes not so much) changes in our spouse. We deny that we might not truly have faith in their loyalty. We deny that there is anything wrong. Most importantly, we deny that we are in denial.
We only hear what we want to hear, see what we want to see. We believe what we want to, and give praise when it isn't due. We tell ourselves that this is how it is supposed to be, and that we are truly happy.
It helps us sleep at night.
After a while, we start to believe that he's working late. That he's only having a few beers out with the guys. That he never takes off his wedding band. That he would never stray.
The lies have been told to us by ourselves for so long- have compiled over weeks, even years, for so long- that they now are our only truth.
This makes the truth blind to us even when it's staring us square in the eyes.


That is what the guys I talked to previously are counting on. They're betting on that their girlfriend or wife does one of two things; doesn't know or knows yet turns a blind eye. They put all their chips on how sly and crafty they are. The fact that they can lie straight-faced while looking her in the eyes. The fact that their buddies are loyal to them. The fact that these girls they pick are "sluts" and have no tie to them outside of a night or two. The fact that no matter how much is between this "bonus", she will never settle for being "the mistress". Even if she was all right with it, they're banking on her never wanting anything more than sex and gifts from him.
Isn't this a game with worse odds than any Las Vegas casino? Remember... you might win a little here and there, but the house ALWAYS wins.
Speaking of mistress... what makes a "good one"? Should any female be insulted by being told they would make a "good one"? Regardless of her age, relationship status, happiness level? Since when is being "number two" good enough for anyone?
This is what happens when certain people put all of their eggs into one basket... and choose the wrong one.
However, when children are involved this isn't just about one person changing two lives forever without their consent. This becomes about one selfish and righteous individual destroying and shaping impressionable children for the rest of their lives.
Isn't it about time that they stood up, collected their chips, and walked away from the roulette table?

Maybe they should take their money and get their wife some flowers just because... and then take her out for dinner to a real restaurant. (Drive-thru establishments don't count!)

Would you rather be running to somebody or running away?

I've been talking to a few people lately, and I've figured out that loyalty almost no longer exists. Couples, married or not, who have open relationships- yet only one partner is aware and the other isn't- seem to be more abundant than those who are committed to their spouse.
There are those that haven't figured out what they want. Some think they deserve more than one partner. A few look elsewhere for what they simply cannot ask their spouse to do for them. Somehow, they honestly think asking a stranger is easier than asking the one that loves them.
So then to have a relationship... are we stuck in the "lie and hide" webs of pseudo-happiness? Or have we turned sex into an intimate-free activity?
It gets one into thinking about love, boundaries, and decisions.
Hypothetically speaking... you fall inlove. They make you swoon. Your eyes glaze over, and every moment apart is like finding out your dog just died. Then you make a decision to be with them. ONLY them. Things go from madly, deeply inlove to mundane. Sometimes the blue sky isn't filled with doves but terrible thunderstorms. You make more decisions. You set boundaries. You stay together and get stronger, or you leave. Either way you have drawn the line in the sand for that other person; me and only me or not me at all. They can take it or leave it.
However, it seems to be dominately males in relationships that do both. Instead of being honest with their partner for fear of being left or divorced, they would rather lie, cheat, and steal the trust from their spouse. Some don't consider it lying if they omit details. Some don't consider it cheating if their spouse won't or can't do it. Some don't view it as robbing their relationship of trust and virtue if they hide from actually facing the issues causing these actions. Some even deflect blame in their actions by stating things like "My wife can't do sexy" or "I can't help it if girls want me".
Let's be upfront. That's all a bunch of bull. I can only think of this quote from Grey's Anatomy... Meredith says it at the end of one of my most favorite episodes of any show ever... so it's etched into my memory.
"At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross." --- Grey's Anatomy

Take this however you will. It's just been bothering me lately. I needed to talk about it... so here it is. Sometimes you just have to ask yourself this:
Would you rather be running to somebody or be running away?

Personally, I'd rather be running to somebody.